Category Archives: Adoption

Out Of The Trenches

It’s time for another story.  A story of God’s continued work in our family’s life.  This one isn’t a tear jerker like last time but one about life behind the scenes of social media.  A story that is best told after healing has happened.  So, let’s begin…

Last month on Instagram I shared that we had received some uplifting news about Judah.

As happy as this daffodil looks is about as happy as I feel today. It's been a wonderful week including a trip to the neurologist for Judah with some pretty uplifting news. I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything but plan to share more later. For now, just know that God is amazing and is stopping at nothing short of working miracles in our little guy's life. This past year has been a journey for me and I have continually tried to have faith and understand that my God is able to heal beyond understanding whenever he wants to and then I have prayed for that healing knowing that it is completely up to God if he chooses to heal Judah for His glory. Whatever happens I want it to be for His Glory. Complete healing hasn't happened yet but partial healing has and I'm so thankful for that and eagerly await more as Judah works to overcome his developmental delays. #adoption #praise #wiringandfiring #developmentaldelay #overcomingobstacles

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It was March 1 and earlier that day Michael Luke took Judah to visit his neurologist.  The same doctor that ordered the MRI last summer and later called to let us know that our child did have brain damage.  After that call I knew I didn’t want to be a part of the follow up appointment.  I didn’t want to hear the possible grim predictions of what to expect.  Sometimes doctors don’t have the most optimistic outlook on medical circumstances.  I feel like my role as his mother isn’t to understand fully what has happened but to do everything in my power to help him continue to progress forward.  Michael Luke was to take him and then relay to me what he felt like I needed to know.

Before we could make an appointment Judah needed to have blood work done so that several tests could be done.  Not sure what all they were, but tests to rule out possible medical scenarios.  Eight vials of blood.  So while we had the MRI done last summer and could have immediately made a follow-up appointment I purposely waited on the blood work. The first reason I waited was because our primary doc wasn’t too concerned about Judah’s damage.  The second reason I waited was because my child had been living in an almost constant state of terror since we brought him home.  We had spent months working on the bonding process and I really didn’t want to jeopardize anything just to have some blood work done.  So we waited.

As we neared his third birthday and began making preparations for Judah to start the Pre-K program in our school district having blood work done became more of a priority.  Why?  Because his general doc wanted some done to find out which vaccinations he had already received. I made an appointment and held my furiously screaming and kicking child while the nurse drew eight tubes of blood from my sweet boy.  It broke my heart to be the one holding him but we did it… and survived but I am so glad we waited.

With blood work done Michael Luke scheduled the appointment and made plans to take Judah for his follow-up. Even though we knew the damage was minimal we still didn’t know the exact damaged areas and what to expect as a result of that.  We also didn’t know the cause of the damage.  Let me just interject here that before Judah I never really understood the adoptive mother’s grieving of a lack of medical history.  I have Esther’s complete medical history as well as her family medical history.  We know more about her than we will probably ever share publicly but just know we have never been in the dark about her history.  As a mom it’s really tough not knowing simple things about your child.  I have no clue if Judah was born prematurely, if there were complications during birth, the age of the mother, or even the month or day that he was born.

The morning of the appointment came and I was incredibly grateful that God had arranged for me to be able to enjoy a rare lunch out with friends while Judah and Michael Luke enjoyed a guys day together.  It was refreshing!  We all need those times don’t we moms?  Even though I didn’t go to the actual appointment I was still eager to hear some news from Michael Luke.  Shortly after he left the doctor’s office he called and began to share with me.

Let me just reiterate that we knew going in that the damage wasn’t major… but sometimes when I think about all the delays Judah is trying to overcome or have an extremely rough and frustrating day it’s easy to let fear convince me there’s more to it than what our general doc was lead to believe from the MRI notes.  THE DAMAGE IS MINOR though!  Michael Luke saw image after image of Judah’s brain.  There are quite a few small spots scattered around his brain but nothing major.  Praise God!

So while that was encouraging news it wasn’t really anything new.  But here comes the good part… the doctor feels like the damage is possibly a result of trauma during the birthing process.  That’s sort of the best case scenario when looking at possible ways Judah might have acquired brain damage. He also doesn’t feel like Judah’s nystagmus is related to his brain damage. More than likely it’s hereditary.

The fact that his brain damage is so minimal and his developmental delay is so great is a little perplexing to the neurologist.  He is referring us to a geneticist for testing to rule out any syndromes and other things like that.  But it could very well be that the majority of his delay is because he spent two years in an institution.  The doctor was very pleased with all the progress Judah has been making and regardless of diagnoses, therapy is the method of attack.  And with eight therapy sessions a week I can say I think we have that area covered.

So while we wait on our appointment with the geneticist and more testing we pray.  That seems to be the theme of this journey with Judah.   My heart almost breaks to pray for all this to be a result of two years in an institution because I can’t bear to think about all that this little guy might have been deprived of.  I thank God that no matter what happened he survived and now we get to cover this boy in love… and teach him to love and enjoy life.

Regardless, trauma from living in institutions and adoption is real and can forever alter a child’s life.  It’s a type of brain damage that doesn’t show up on an MRI.  Lifeline, our adoption agency, shared a post this week about using occupational therapy to overcome the results of trauma. Every child in an institution or who has been adopted is a fighter.  Life has in no way been easy for them.

Let’s go back to the beginning of this post where I talked about this being a behind the social media scenes post of healing.  This post is about rejoicing in God and what he has done over the past year.  I am no longer crippled by fear of what the future looks like for Judah.  What his diagnosis might be.  God is in control and no matter the medical diagnosis, Judah is fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of my living and powerful God who is capable of a multitude of miracles and desires my earnest prayers and faith in Him.

It’s been no easy journey for me to get to this point in my life.  One year ago I was crippled by fear.  Satan used fear and attacked me from every angle.  One of those was with April.  The month.  Kinda strange right?  April is autism awareness month.  Which is a great thing really.  Lots of children are on the spectrum and there is a lot to be learned from talking with their moms and discovering ways to interact with these kids and to meet their social and sensory needs.  In fact, this year I’m all about advocating for autism awareness month.  Last year… not so much.

Last year it was absolutely terrifying to me. Why? Because I had a child who had recently been adopted.  He demanded to be held while being walked or strolled ALL day.  We were in pure survival mode at the time.  Coupled with his delays and effects of institutionalization it was easy to “self diagnose” signs of being on the spectrum.  I did the one thing moms should never do.  I googled.  Do not EVER try to self diagnose your child through Google.  If you do, all of a sudden it will appear as if your child has 20 different disorders and syndromes, a need for four surgeries, and an extremely grim outlook for that child’s life.  Just saying.

One Google search lead to another and looking back I probably read the fifteen worse case scenarios of living with a child with autism.  Panicked didn’t even begin to describe how I felt.  On top of that Seasame Street felt the need to dedicate a whole episode to autism… an episode that my girls wanted to watch again and again. Go figure.  My social media feeds were filled with moms sharing about their amazing kids who were on the spectrum.. Only, my eyes were blinded to the “amazing” part at the time.  Autism talk was everywhere and I felt like I couldn’t escape it.  Never had I been so glad for the month of April to come to an end.

Judah doesn’t currently have an autism diagnosis. He does have sensory processing issues though. Issues that many children on the spectrum face and deal with on a day to day basis. Over the past year God has placed many families in my life that have children who are on the spectrum.  I have gotten to talk to them and have been encouraged by them.  I’ve also found we have many things in common.  Autism is no longer scary to me. It’s just a label that thankfully allows many children to receive help so that they can learn to thrive in this world that sometimes does things differently than them.

Sometimes when we are walking through those deep trenches of life it’s scary.  And it’s not as if we don’t know the way out. A trench is pretty straight forward for the most part. One way in, one way out.  But even if you know the way out you still have to do what it takes to climb out.  For me it was verbally telling Satan to GET AWAY!  Changing my constant worry to continued prayers of strength to God.  Praying for strength and learning to trust in His ways that are not my ways.  Meditating on scripture.  Meditating to the point that I wore temporary Bible verses from Armed with Truth so that I could read God’s promises whenever I needed to.  It didn’t happen immediately but over time those thoughts of fear diminished and praise God for bringing me through the trenches.

It doesn’t mean those hard times won’t come again but wow I really learned a lot about fighting spiritual battles from those few months and looking back at where I’ve come I’m incredibly thankful!

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The Longer Road

Want to hear a story?  Want to hear a 100% true story that could leave you in tears but praising God at the same time?  Ok, good. Well, then let’s chat.  But before you scroll any further I warn you… go grab a box of tissues.

If you are reading this you are probably know that about four months ago we welcomed our third child to our family. Four months ago we traveled to China and brought home Judah.  The most precious little two year old boy that I never imagined my heart could fall so hard for… but at the same time would lead me down a road with God that would cause me to experience a WIDE range of emotions and truly discover which parts of my life I wasn’t handing over to Him.

Two and Half Months Ago

When your child has nystagmus and low muscle tone you see a neurologist. It’s what you do.  One of my frustrations with doctors and therapists for Judah has been their lack of experience and knowledge with and about international children.  Medically, mentally, physically, and emotionally they are different and for the most part can not be compared to children who were born into a forever family.

So two months ago when we made our first visit to Judah’s neurologist I wasn’t sure what to think of the doctor’s concern for Judah’s small size… particularly his head circumference which wasn’t registering on the growth chart for a two year old.  His doctor was also concerned about his low muscle tone and thought that all of that plus the nystagmus could be the result of some brain damage.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever had those words said to you about your child but for me it just about sent my body into complete shock.  I mean, could my child not be small because he was malnourished?  Could he not have hypotonia (low muscle tone) because he had possibly spent two years in a crib?  Could his head not be small because the back of his skull is flat from so much time spent laid on his back?

Well yes. The doctor felt any of these could be the reason or an underlying factor but because he honestly had no clue he felt we should have an MRI done on Judah’s brain.  Judah’s head was measuring at 44 cm… 1 cm shy of being on the growth chart.  He shared with me that he would not be as concerned if Judah’s head was 1 cm bigger.

The MRI was scheduled for a month and a half later… because umm “hello” every mom is perfectly cool waiting that long to find out what is going on inside their child’s head.  With not much else to do besides wait I decided to spend that month and a half praying for Judah’s head circumference to increase by 1 cm. In my mind I had a month and half to get Judah’s brain looking as good as possible for that MRI.

I did research on foods that helped to promote brain development and immediately began feeding my baby eggs, nut butters, and fattening Greek yogurt.  I don’t mean that low fat Greek yogurt stuff I mean the 300 calorie, 14 grams of fat per cup yogurt!  It was time to get Judah loads of healthy fats.  I also added a liquid DHA and liquid multi-vitamin to his diet. On top of that I began praying for him.  That God would increase his head circumference to 45 cm by the morning of his MRI.  I would not measure in the meantime but fully trust God that no matter the outcome it would all be for his glory.  I prayed and prayed and really had to do a lot of self checking to make sure I truly did believe that God was bigger and greater than whatever Judah had going on.  Through our month of half of waiting God really drew me closer to Him and prepared me for everything that was about to happen.

One Month Ago

June 29 was the day his MRI was scheduled for.  The girls went to the grandparent’s house and we had a night out with Judah before his big day.  While he was sipping his “clear liquids” (apple juice) that morning I nervously pulled out my tape measure to check his head circumference.  It had been hard waiting all that time but I didn’t want to falter in my trust of God. I even almost caved in and measured the night before but I knew that God could still be at work growing that little head and I was going to wait until June 29.

I remember circling the purple tape measure around his precious little head hesitating a moment because of my own nervousness to see what the result was. Y’all! I kid you not his head circumference grew an entire centimeter in a month and a half!  God had answered my prayers and calmed my heart on the morning of such an important day.  To me it was His way of telling me everything was going to be ok.  I was ecstatic and felt ready to handle whatever information the MRI gave us.  Just so you can see what a huge deal this is and how awesome our God is take a look at the growth of the average child’s head per month/year.

The day continued on. We went to the hospital. I finally convinced the nurses it was a TERRIBLE idea to stick my son with an IV and then attempt to put him o sleep.  Finally, they felt like my idea to knock my terrified and traumatized son out with gas might work best.  In the end, we left the hospital shortly after lunch and all went home to wait on the result that we were told we would receive the next day.

Two Weeks Ago

The next day came and went and so did 14 days after that and still no word on the results of the MRI.  Michael Luke called for the third time and a little while later the neurologist called us to talk about the MRI.  Michael Luke had just pulled into the carport and was able to put the phone on speaker so that I could hear as well.

You would think that in all the learning that doctors do that somewhere there would be a course, one day seminar, or five minute closing lecture on delivering bad news prep… but I’ve yet to see the results of that.  About five seconds into our phone call the doctor told us that it was just as he suspected… Judah had brain damage.  He went on to name the parts of the brain that showed damage but I didn’t really hear because a) I don’t speak medical terminology and b) my auditory hearing kind of shut everything off after the words “brain damage”.  I mean wouldn’t yours?  He wouldn’t tell us the extent of the damage because like every good doc we needed to come in for a follow up appointment for that pertinent information.

The phone call ended and Michael Luke seemed almost excited about the news.  You know why?  It’s just amazing the way our God plans things.  That entire day Michael Luke had been in a CEU course about neuroplasticity of the brain in children!  All day he had heard story after story of children similar to Judah overcoming their setbacks and challenges and taking the world by surprise through therapy.

So how does it work in lay man’s terms.  Basically you find out the part of the brain that is damaged and you teach the part of the brain closest to it to do the job of the damaged part. It’s like calling in the replacements.  Yeah, it takes a lot of work and means that the road to reaching milestones is longer than the average child but also that our expectations for him should not be cut short.

Amidst my shock I was also encouraged.  I was encouraged because I am well aware that it could be far worse.  I was encouraged because God given me hope when he increased the size of my baby’s head circumference.  I was encouraged because leading up to this news God had placed key people in my life who had children who had overcome brain damage and are thriving in life now.  People who have walked this road before me but are well aware of what it feels like when you are still in the trenches.

In a way our future began to look different. It wasn’t exactly the path I would have voluntarily chosen but every step of the way I have know God is in control and lead us directly to Judah.  Nothing changed about Judah that day.  He’s still the same adorable boy that we met back in March.  He’s the little boy that I never knew my heart longed for. I don’t feel like the orphanage gave us misleading information.  I don’t regret following God and choosing him.  He’s mine and I love him and will do everything I can to care for him, advocate for him, and help him develop to his fullest potential.  He didn’t ask for this to happen to him but he is made in the image of God and I absolutely love him.

I put him to bed that night whispering the same thing in his ear that I do every day, “We’re going to be ok buddy.”

One Week Ago

A week ago we traveled to Nashville three hours there and back for a spur of the moment very important physical therapy appointment with the lady who had  taught ML’s course on neuroplasticity in children.  After witnessing the way that she immediately calmed down Judah who lives in a state of almost constant panic as a result of trauma I decided to refer to her as the Cesar Millan of babies.

Turns out that to help Judah overcome all his hypotonia we need to work to wake his body up. This pretty much involves being rough (in a sense) with him.  Quite possibly because so much of his life was spent in a crib his brain doesn’t process and feel a lot of the basic touches to his skin.  He needs deep pressure applied to him and for us to rub him roughly all over.  If you see us out and about you may even notice that we have begun to squeeze and massage his hands and legs and to pound on his back.  He enjoys the feeling of that and it helps to calm him down when he is around peopel. Overtime it will help to “wake” his body up and help him respond to softer touches and also help him control and have more use of his limbs.  I felt so empowered leaving that appointment knowing that we were in the beginning stages of remapping and rewiring Judah’s brain.

Two Days Ago

Despite my motivation to help Judah overcome all the obstacles that lay before him I DID NOT want to know the results of his MRI.  Mainly because I didn’t want to hear any negative comments the doctor might say or his predictions for the future using only the medical knowledge he had without the understanding of the power of therapy and prayer.  Michael Luke and I had even discussed that I would not go to the next neurology appointment.  He would go to find out the extent of the damage and I would continue on championing Judah working with him to reach life to the fullest.

After an incredibly terrible experience with our pediatrician the first week home from China we decided to find a new doctor who like us believes in holistic care, a healthy diet, natural solutions to life’s problems, and had experience with internationally adopted children.  Enter Dr. Blake Bergeon.  Not once did he utter a negative comment about my child.  He didn’t ask to see the milestone questionnaire that Judah failed 100%.  He took Judah for who he was and mapped out the action plan from there. There is so much to share about our visit but I’ll stick to the highlights.

First off he wants to double up on Judah’s speech therapy so that he can learn to communicate with us and hopefully eliminate some of his frustrations.  Next, he shared with me that Judah has grown FIVE inches in four months, gained three pounds, and added another half a centimeter to his head circumference! My heart was overflowing.  But on top of all that I mentioned the MRI to him just to make sure he knew about it and he mentioned that he had looked over the report but wasn’t too concerned about it because there wasn’t any mass areas of brain loss or damage… just some white matter damage in several spots around the brain that probably happened from a lack of oxygen during the birthing process.  He shared all this information before I even got a chance to tel him that I didn’t want to know.

You know what though? I’m glad I found out. I’m glad because I don’t have to live in the fear of the unknown. I’m glad because the doctor shared with me stories of success that other international adoptive children have had that have also had white matter brain damage.  I’m glad because after everything my fear has dreamed up white matter damage seems small.

I walked out of that appointment on cloud nine. Monday I might have possibly been the only person on this planet praising God for white matter brain damage. Judah has a long road ahead of him but one thing I know is is that that road looks pretty promising.

Next Tuesday my little boy will turn two and half and still will not be crawling, talking, or fully feeding himself but I happen to think he is pretty smart because he’s making progress every day. He’s also brave.  I can’t even begin to imagine everything he has been through. From being abandoned, to living in an orphanage with limited interaction, to having your world ripped out from under you with out any warning…. no wonder life and people are terrifying to him.  But he’s overcoming all odds. He survived and fought for his life the first two years and now his is learning to grow and thrive.  He’s a fighter and so am I and with the help of God I know the sky is the limit for my little one whose name means “His Praise”.

I’m well aware that this journey won’t be easy or short. Some days will be completely frustrating but isn’t life like that with kids. But in the end I know I will look back and clearly be able to see the hand of God at work within our lives and I will give Him all the praise that is due him.

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A Little About Judah

We’ve been home from china for six almost twelve weeks now. (I started this post at six weeks home but couldn’t bring myself to finish putting my thoughts down until now.) I honestly didn’t expect to go this long before writing another post but up until now I really haven’t had the opportunity to sit down and gather my thoughts and write… ok maybe I have but I’ve been indulging in my favorite pastime… reading.   Let’s just call it maternity leave, lol!

In addition to adjusting to life as a family of five over the past twelve weeks we also moved into our house… seven days after being back in country!  It was crazy and looking back I’m not sure how we did it but it was better than letting Judah adjust to our apartment and then uprooting him and moving into a house a month or two after returning home.

As much as I know you would all love to see pics of Whistle Haven I know you would much rather hear about Judah.  Besides at this point the house isn’t exactly ready for pics.  We still have construction workers coming by on a regular basis and moving boxes scattered all around.  It’s beginning to look like we live there though and it certainly feels like home now.

So Let’s Talk About Judah

Noah for females in Hebrew means “motion”, Esther means “star”, and

Judah means “to praise”.

Both girls have certainly lived up to the meaning of their names and I don’t expect Judah to be any different.  My heart and prayer is for Judah’s life to bring praise to God but I’ve realized over the past twelve weeks that to truly do that I must share where he’s coming from. So that as he overcomes hurdles and learns to work around barriers you will see the need to praise God for all the work that he is doing in and through Judah’s life.  I will be the first to tell you that God has taught me so much already through Judah.  Adoption is by far one of the toughest things (both times) that I have ever done in my life but also (both times) one of the ways that as I look back at my faith I can see the biggest growth and the times when I have clung to the scriptures and the love of God most.

Adoption is tough.  As hard as it is for the parents it in no way compares to how difficult it is for the child.  In Judah’s case it has been pure terror and it completely traumatized him for the first eight weeks at home.  Suddenly everything he knew was ripped out from underneath him and he had no idea why.  The only thing that soothed him was Michael Luke and me holding him WHILE walking. If we stopped even for a minute it was more than he could bear. He would almost immediately start biting his thumb and crying.  I don’t mean sucking his thumb like some babies do I mean physically biting. Biting to the point that his thumb was calloused from biting it so much.  In China his nanny told me that he bit his thumb to tell people he was hungry.  I haven’t seen him do that since coming home because I don’t let that sweet boy go hungry but he does bite it when he becomes uncomfortable or is trying to go to sleep.  I can happily share that he doesn’t bite his thumb as much now.  About four weeks ago he started tolerating me holding him while standing still and he doesn’t bite his thumb near as much when trying to go to sleep.  In fact sometimes he just accepts that it is bed time and rolls over and goes to sleep. I am thankful that during this exhausting and tough time of Judah adjusting he doesn’t tolerate his stroller and car seat. So let’s just say we may or may not have driven lots of miles out of our way just to remain in the car and we may or may not have wandered aimlessly around the malls and parks just to fill our time.  It worked though and we are seeing light on the other end of the tunnel now.

Nowadays, Judah still likes to be held a lot but he does tolerate playtime a few times throughout the day and is starting to really enjoy watching his sisters play. He also loves music.  So the girls and I love to crank up some Disney songs and dance around the room while he sits flailing his arms and head around joining in the fun with us.


A couple of weeks ago Judah got some adorable glasses that I think took his cuteness factor to an entirely new level.  Apparently he’s pretty nearsighted so this helps to improve his vision.  We aren’t sure how clear he sees though because on top of being nearsighted he also has nystagmus.  Basically it means that his eyes are constantly moving back and forth making it hard for him to focus or see things clearly.  Remember when you were a kid and you used to spin around in circles and then you stopped but everything looked like it kept spinning?  Well, that’s similar to how Judah views the world… without the dizziness.  It will be a while before we actually know how good his vision is but I think he sees pretty good. He’s able to distinguish foods on his plate and will track us around the room.

Nystagmus was one of the special needs listed when we reviewed his file last year.  Michael Luke and I had been praying about Judah, at the time his name was Renquan (pronounced ren-cwhin) for several days.  I was nervous about adopting a child with low vision who might possible be legally blind.  For several days I had been praying to God, asking him for wisdom and to make it clear whether Judah was the child for us.  One of my concerns was how would a vision impaired person get around independently. Well, I kid you not, the very day I asked God to make it clear to me he did!  We were in Salt Lake City at the time riding the trolley around downtown and at one of the stops SIX blind people got on.  The first waited at the door and used his cane to count each person as they boarded.  He clicked his cane after the sixth one boarded and said, “ok, that’s everyone.” It was literally the blind leading the blind and God’s way of showing me that everything would be oik.  I knew then that Judah was the child God intended for us.  Now that we are home Judah’s low vision seems like such a minor thing.

This past week were finally able to begin our therapy sessions. So far we have started occupational and developmental therapy with physical and speech therapy beginning soon.  Judah’s therapy doesn’t have as much  to with the fact that he has low vision but that he also has hypotonia or as it’s more commonly referred to as low muscle tone.  Think floppy baby.   In short his brain has not fully learned how to activate and use all of his muscles to the best of their ability.  This leaves him developmentally and cognitively behind but according to others who have been down this whole therapy route therapy can do wonders for children like him.  So let’s just say I’m one ecstatic mama because carrying around 22lbs of baby all day is a workout!

Regardless of Judah’s special needs he is made in the image of God and he is fearfully and wonderfully made.  And I’ve fallen completely in love with the little boy that makes the sweetest sound as he pats me on the back, squeezes my neck, and then gives me slobbery kisses.  In this broken world he’s discovering love.

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